Mindless Thoughts

Thank You

2011-02-05T20:58:00.001-08:00

Krikit,

I’ll first start by saying two words: thank you. Thank you for accepting me into your family, thank you for giving me your blessing to marry your daughter, and thank you for not treating me solely as your daughter’s husband, but for treating me as one of your own. Thank you for laughing at my corny jokes and sarcasm, thank you for the frown Tiffany often shows me when I tease her, thank you for spending as much time with my children as you did, and thank you most of all for being such a wonderful mother and best friend to Tiffany. While I have only known you for a fifth of my life, you’ve made a lifetime’s worth of impression on me. I am thankful I was able to give you the memories of a beautiful wedding, the adoption of Nicolas as his father, and the birth of Noah. I am thankful to have been apart of such moments in your life. I'll close by saying eight words: I love you and will miss you always.

Stevan

Ode to My Grandfather

2008-10-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

This is intended as my way of telling my grandfather goodbye. May he rest in peace and no longer suffer the pains of the body, and be free from the years of suffering he has endured.

I am writing to get my feelings on this out....to try and sort through the emotion and mounting grief. He was a mountain of a man. I loved him. He loved me. These are things I know. Who he was as a person was defined by what he did. War veteran, father, farmer, husband were all titles he held. What I have of him are memories....the fondest of childhood memories, and those I will try to share, although they may be random and jumbled.

Hide and go seek on the farm.
Wading in the cold creek, catching crawdads with my cousins.
Climbing trees, climbing in the barns.
Chasing after, and being chased after, by the rooster.
Swimming in the nastiest of pond water.
Ice skating on a pond without skates.
Picking gallon after gallon of blackberries.
Pushing a lawn mower for the first time.
Playing on a slip and slide for the first time.
Baling hay, or trying to bale hay lol (I was 8-10)
Yard sales.
Grey Hound Buses.
Country Breakfasts every morning.
UT football games.
Iran Contra.
My mother and stepfather's wedding.

And lastly....

I remember one time being picked up in his arms, as he played with me. I remember thinking of how strong he was, but gentle despite his strength.

I felt safe and amazed by the gesture. That I will never forget.

I love you grandpa Bill.....thanks for so many things. I may not be the mountain in stature, but I hope I am as good of a father to my kids as you were a grandpa to me.

Rest in peace, the farm awaits you. Fields to sow, corn to shuck, horses to break, the sun in your face and on your back....all of this is waiting for you. The day is long and the work is hard, but there's no better feeling at the end of the day, than to know you've earned your right to live the land.

Live the land grandpa, live the land.

Much love always,

Stevan

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-06-27T11:34:00.000-07:00

Happy 2nd Anniversary of your 29th birthday honey!!!!

Much love,

Stevan

Happy Anniversary

2008-06-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

To My Loving Wife,

Two years ago on this date, you and I shared our "I do's". Its been a hell of a ride and a lot has happened since, and I am so happy to have you to share it all with. I love you more than words can say, and here's to many many more years together and lots of new memories to be made.

With All My Heart...Happy Anniversary,

Stevan

Lesson Two: Say What You Need to Say

2008-06-13T04:47:00.000-07:00

Good morning ladies and gentlemen,

This post may be difficult to put in to accurate enough words, but I will do my best for I hear the narrator's voice inside my head. When he speaks I write, and maybe you'll read.

This morning as I prepared to leave for work, my wife had fallen asleep with the television on VH1, and the station was actually playing music videos, a rarity in these days of CelebReality and shows geared toward adolescents. The particular video playing was a soundtrack album from John Mayer for the movie The Bucket List and its title was "Say What You Need to Say." The song, in conjunction with the video snippits from the movie, was very moving emotionally for me. I was so moved I was reluctant to leave for work, feeling that moment of "this could be the last time you see them, you never know." I actually teared up, looked at each of my family members before leaving, and headed to work.

So here's the lesson of Spring number two: "Say What You Need to Say." Don't wait until you are on your deathbed to tell those people you love, to do those things you have always wanted to do.
You may not have a bed upon which to ponder these things as death approaches, it could be a car, a plane crash, a heart attack, or countless other forms. Death is usually not merciful in this regard, so the time is always now to act, to speak, to write.

To my wife: If I am not here tomorrow I want you to know how much joy you have given me in my lifetime. The wonderful nights of intimacy, the laughter at bad jokes, the amazement of our lives transformed in just a few short years, the support, the love you have given me, and how open you have made me to the world and to life. " I love you" does not sum up the feelings in my heart, but it will have to do. I love you...now and always.

To Nicolas:

I really cannot express how much I am proud of you and love you. You are so loving and intelligent, playful and creative, and tough in handling the tough parenting I have given you. I want you to remember that I do this b/c of the potential I see in you, and want that potential to be more than that. Always challenge yourself to be better than you are, to be a guide to your brother, and to remember that family is always the most important priority in life. Protect them fiercely, and love them openly. Remember I love you, no matter how tough on you I have been in the past.

There are lots of cliched sayings I could write here on life.....but there's only one I'll share. I pray that always remember the face of your father. Remember it well.

To Noah:

Son, if I dont live another day I will still cherish every moment I have had you in my life. In just four months you made made me understand the complexity of the parenting life and the joys of being a father to a newborn. I was your constant source of entertainment with all of my silly faces, the funny noises, and the constant motion I had you in. The first moment I looked in your eyes, you looked back at me......and stopped crying in the delivery room. I touched on your chest and stomach, and you were calm despite having been literally thrust into this world. I'll never forget that moment. It is one of my fondest memories and I will take it with me to the grave.
Love your family, live life to the fullest, work hard for what you want....and remember to pick yourself up when life knocks you down.

I love you so much.

I have now said what needs to be said, and if life ends right now....I am content with what is written here. I love my family, always will, and hope that I have been, and will continue to be, the best husband and father I can.

Having read this novella, what will you do? Will you continue on without having said those things of importance to those you love? Or will you act on this, be moved as I was moved by the song, and act?

That of course is you to decide dear reader...choose well.

Stevan

Re: Its Over (Ouch!)

2008-05-31T13:59:00.000-07:00

Well ladies and gentlemen,

As I told you yesterday, I went in to have vasectomy done, and I was almost a complete wreck. It started the night before with my last minute attempt at getting a Valium prescription filled (prescribed by the doc for my anxiety about the procedure) and finding that two pharmacies were closing, so I wouldn't be able to pick it up in time....my last hope was the ever wonderful Walgreen's 24 hour pharmacy. I got there, filled out my information since I was a new customer and they took the prescription from me, but then returned it saying that they could not take it since it had no DATE! I gave up and went to the appointment Friday morning without it. We arrived there at 9:45, but I was not taken back there until 11:15 due to some emergency procedure. The amount of time made it worse, and I was extremely nervous.......I had asked the nurse if Tiffany and Noah could come back there with me, but never got an answer. The procedure then started, and seeing how nervous I was, the doctor asked if I wanted my wife back here with me....I almost screamed yes to him. Unfortunately for Tiff, she walked into the room and saw me in all my glory being operated on (sorry baby). It was painful, but not as bad as I thought. I basically felt like I was being hit in the testicles over and over again. The procedure was quick, and I am thankful for that. The doctor and the nurses took good care of me...and I thank God that my initial impression of the doctor was wrong.

I came home, put ice on my parts, ate some dinner that Tiffany was so kind to go get me, and slept for three hours. We did leave and go get Nicolas from my parents' house.....and basically the only reason I went was to show my dad that I was up and walking about and to call him a pansy ( he had the same procedure done and was a whiny mess my step-mother told me)!

Today has been a day of less activity and I took a nap for five hours, taking Tylenol for pain and taking it easy while playing with Noah and trying not to be too much a hindrance on my wife. The pain is not as bad and I can walk around fairly well, so I should be back at work on Monday.

Thank you Tiffany for all the waiting on me that you have done. I love you so much and I hope that I have not been too stubborn of a " patient."

OUCH!

2008-05-30T04:27:00.001-07:00

Well Ladies and Gentlemen,

Today is the day that I will no longer be able to aid in the creation of a child. Since Noah is a happy and healthy baby. I see no need to have more. He's perfect in every way it seems, and I am satisfied in having one child that is biologically mine. I have two wonderful intelligent and loving children, and loving wife, and even a dog that is cute every once in a while. I can rest easy knowing this is my family, and that will never change.

And so, that said....this morning at 10:00 AM, I will be having a vasectomy performed and will then spend the next 48 hours in a fair amount of pain, but it will then be over, and my wife will not have be the only one being responsible for birth control. God watch over this simple procedure, and please ensure all goes well for me and my family. Amen.

The good news is that I'll have more time to write on here and maybe catch up somewhat on posting!

Wish me luck!

And remember, when you hear a loud "OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH!' no matter your location, its just me being stuck with the local anesthesia.

Stevan

Lesson One: Admiration

2008-03-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

I trouble to find the words that express the admiration I have for my wife. The countless nights without enough sleep, the difficulties learning to breast feed Noah, the tears over fears of not being a good mother....all of this and she still presses on.

I served in the army for four and a half years, and she's the best soldier I have ever seen. To stand tall in the face of adversity, to smile at it, and to continue to march forward is something that cannot be taught, nor easily mimicked. I love her more each day because of this, and if I am half the father that she is a mother, I can be satisfied in knowing I was a good one. She is by all acounts ladies and gentlemen, a great one. Great.

So here is lesson of spring, admiration for the rose. Thorny sides make it difficult to touch, but the fragrance is so enticing, its beauty so amazing, that despite the pain, you will pick it, so as to make it yours. Having a child has been mine and my wife's rose, but mostly hers. The pains are worth the picking, always.

The Lessons Of Spring

2008-03-08T18:09:00.000-08:00

Alot has passed in the last 13 months.....and I have not written on any of it. At the urging of my loving wife, I am now writing about them.

Its amazing how one's life can change so much in thirteen months, how a young man can see life in a different light....how its importance and its priorities change as quickly as the seasons. The seasons have indeed changed, and I would consider the current season to be "spring." The maple leaves have budded, dogwood blossoms perfume the air, and emerald colors of fescue and bermuda brighten every lawn.

Renewal. Rebirth. Change. These are the lessons of spring.

Come with me, won't you? Come as these lessons are fully shared.

Imagination and Creation

2007-01-09T19:28:00.000-08:00

There is no force greater to create change than that of the human imagination. Without our dreams to fly, we would not fly. Without our need to understand the physical world, we would not have the modern marvels of science that has so helped our lives. Without the dreamer, there are no dreams, there is no change.

I am a dreamer, but I have so often lost my dreams in the torrents of life that beat down upon me: the past, the fear, the indecision. On rare occasions the dream's song is heard again, and my heart beats differently when it does. My vision becomes clear. My lungs take in the sudden fresh air as if they would never breathe again. I am alive when the melody rings in my ears, my head, my heart.
I wish to share that melody with you. Very soon my dream and its song will begin to appear on these pages. Will you stay and listen to its song? Or will you turn back to the torrents?

I am a storyteller, but not a good one. The vision of the story is always better than what I place on the written page. I will share this vision, this story, as it appears to my eyes, and its song is heard in my ears. I pray you will be moved by my dream, my song, my vision, my story.

My Story...........starts with a man, a sick man, who may not be long for this world. He lies catatonic, life fed to him through the machine that keeps his lungs working. He is important, he is special, he has no idea of the power that exists in his mind. A mind that could indeed change a world.

Just Let it Die

2006-12-15T07:24:00.000-08:00

Just let it die....

The den of jackals can still be heard
feasting on a lifeless beast.

I turn away without a word,
and start my long journey east.

They have forgotten the faces of their fathers,
nor do I think they'll ever find them again.

Let them be lost, forever from their faces and may their own

hang in eternal shame.

Re: Thoughts,Ver. 1.0

2006-11-16T04:42:00.000-08:00

I really wonder how much of it is my fault. I wonder and worry that when the time goes by, that my wife will come to some realization that I caused her loss friendships. In all accounts of my actions, I have taken responsibility for what I've said and or done to make them feel alienated, but that's all I can do. I know now I will be forever marked by them, and no matter what I do or say, it will be in vain. Its amazing how quickly they all forget that unlike any of the men from Syd's past, I am the only one to take on the responsibility of father for her child. They have forgotten the wonderful things I have done and continue to do for her. Will they ever remember those? No. They don't care. They've been wronged, and they're taking all the blood they can, even if it ruins any chance of salvaging friendships.

I feel terrible right now that my wife is now in a similar situation as me: no close friends living nearby, and no social outlets to escape the monatany that can be the daily family routine. I feel guilt, but the question is why do I? I know my actions on one night have defined me, but I took every responsible action to resolve the situation. I can do no more.

I also know that I have been over protective of my wife and tried to do her battles for her.....and I simply cannot do that anymore.

Do I regret my actions? Yes. Can I change them? No.

What I do not understand is that they have been attacking Syd instead of me. She has no control over my actions, how can she be held liable?

There are three parts to the cause of this mess:
1. My actions on one evening have branded me. They have guilted Syd by association. This is a shame.

2. Sydney's issues with how her "friends that she has been through so much with" have never been there for her when it matters (her opinion...I wasn't there, so I do not know.) The example given is the knowledge of her pregancy, and how everyone then ostracized for being pregnant. one "friend" could not stand to see her, since she had miscarried a short while previously, and thus every social engagement this friend was present to, Syd was not invited to prevent this. One friend was the one who organized said social engagements, and told her not to come.
thus she was alone going through a pregnancy, alone in providing for a child working a job paying 7.75 an hour with no reprieve and or comfort from her friends.....the ones who should have been there to help her move in with her parents, who should have been there to listen...none of them were.

3. Because of Syd's issues in number, and her changed attitudes and priorities, she has disassociated herself from them so that she will not be enagaged in argument and or fighting with them. While this does avoid conflict, it does nothing to resolve the issues, either. She is a proud and stubborn woman, and b/c of this she has not reached out as many (including myself) have recommend that she do.

Only time will tell if she regrets this decision, or holds me accountable for the loss of her friends. Right now I know I have played my part, but the underlying problems between the "friends" and Sydney are the real cause here, I have only brought those out in the open through my poor choice in action.

God help me to get over this, god help my wife to forgive, and the same plea is made to her friends who have been lost from the circle of Ka.

Jasper

Re: Being a Dad

2006-11-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

Two days ago I was tested by my son in every way. I have always been stern with him, thanks to my upbringing, and on this day I was stern with him yet again due to his constant disobeying. On four different occasions I told him to stay out of our tenants room (which is right across from his), that the room was hers since she paid rent for it, and that she gets the same respect and consideration that he does with his room. Despite this, I found him once again in her room talking to her, which in itself is not a bad thing; he wasn't doing anything wrong to her. However, he was yet again not listening to what I told him to do. So I spanked him. It hurts me everytime I resort to the belt, but sometimes I feel that is what it takes to get through to him. My frustration lingered into the evening hours, and the time came for Nic to go to bed.

After putting him down for bed, I was in my bedroom on the computer while Sydney was watchinig TV. Nic came downstairs and opened our door claiming he could not sleep. I was furious with him, and told him to get his little bottom back in the bed. I followed him upstairs and smacked him on the butt as we ascended. I told him to get back in bed without hesitation, and didnt even ask him why he couldn't sleep.

I went back downstairs, and not two minutes later he was up again. Back up the stairs we went. this time I did make the effort to ask why he couldn't sleep....and he said it was due to the lack of light. Mind you he has a night light, but for some reason this would not suffice for him. I closed the door and turned on the hall light, and went back down.

I came up to check on him a few minutes later, and there he was with the door open sitting up in his bed. I nearly came to the point of boiling with him, but stopped and asked what was wrong and why the light in the hallway wasnt enough for him.

His response was a bit shocking, but even more shocking was the genuine horror on his face when he told me:

"I can't stop thinking about dead things dad (begins to cry), and I dont know WHY!"

My fury was gone in an instant and knew that no reasoning or logic would remove his fear. I removed my shoes, got in the bed with him, and held him for a while telling him that everything would be alright, that dad would not let anything happen to him. I laid there with him as he struggled to sleep. Lost in my own thoughts, and he in his, we drifted to sleep together.

God help me to remember the lesson of this day, that a dad must know that discipline may be needed throughout the day, but love and compassion are the ingredients of dreams.

Initial Post

2006-11-06T10:13:00.000-08:00

Hello to all (although there are none),

This will be a place for me to write my thoughts on all issues, a place for my poetry to be reviewed, and a place for me to write about my wonderful family. I am sarcastic yet deep, loving yet fierce, an entire mixture of contradictions but easily understood.

I hope you enjoy what I have to write here, whether its liked or disliked, I hope you are entertained.

Ka is a wheel, and the wheel continues to turn.

Jasper