I really wonder how much of it is my fault. I wonder and worry that when the time goes by, that my wife will come to some realization that I caused her loss friendships. In all accounts of my actions, I have taken responsibility for what I've said and or done to make them feel alienated, but that's all I can do. I know now I will be forever marked by them, and no matter what I do or say, it will be in vain. Its amazing how quickly they all forget that unlike any of the men from Syd's past, I am the only one to take on the responsibility of father for her child. They have forgotten the wonderful things I have done and continue to do for her. Will they ever remember those? No. They don't care. They've been wronged, and they're taking all the blood they can, even if it ruins any chance of salvaging friendships.
I feel terrible right now that my wife is now in a similar situation as me: no close friends living nearby, and no social outlets to escape the monatany that can be the daily family routine. I feel guilt, but the question is why do I? I know my actions on one night have defined me, but I took every responsible action to resolve the situation. I can do no more.
I also know that I have been over protective of my wife and tried to do her battles for her.....and I simply cannot do that anymore.
Do I regret my actions? Yes. Can I change them? No.
What I do not understand is that they have been attacking Syd instead of me. She has no control over my actions, how can she be held liable?
There are three parts to the cause of this mess:
1. My actions on one evening have branded me. They have guilted Syd by association. This is a shame.
2. Sydney's issues with how her "friends that she has been through so much with" have never been there for her when it matters (her opinion...I wasn't there, so I do not know.) The example given is the knowledge of her pregancy, and how everyone then ostracized for being pregnant. one "friend" could not stand to see her, since she had miscarried a short while previously, and thus every social engagement this friend was present to, Syd was not invited to prevent this. One friend was the one who organized said social engagements, and told her not to come.
thus she was alone going through a pregnancy, alone in providing for a child working a job paying 7.75 an hour with no reprieve and or comfort from her friends.....the ones who should have been there to help her move in with her parents, who should have been there to listen...none of them were.
3. Because of Syd's issues in number, and her changed attitudes and priorities, she has disassociated herself from them so that she will not be enagaged in argument and or fighting with them. While this does avoid conflict, it does nothing to resolve the issues, either. She is a proud and stubborn woman, and b/c of this she has not reached out as many (including myself) have recommend that she do.
Only time will tell if she regrets this decision, or holds me accountable for the loss of her friends. Right now I know I have played my part, but the underlying problems between the "friends" and Sydney are the real cause here, I have only brought those out in the open through my poor choice in action.
God help me to get over this, god help my wife to forgive, and the same plea is made to her friends who have been lost from the circle of Ka.
Jasper
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Re: Being a Dad
Two days ago I was tested by my son in every way. I have always been stern with him, thanks to my upbringing, and on this day I was stern with him yet again due to his constant disobeying. On four different occasions I told him to stay out of our tenants room (which is right across from his), that the room was hers since she paid rent for it, and that she gets the same respect and consideration that he does with his room. Despite this, I found him once again in her room talking to her, which in itself is not a bad thing; he wasn't doing anything wrong to her. However, he was yet again not listening to what I told him to do. So I spanked him. It hurts me everytime I resort to the belt, but sometimes I feel that is what it takes to get through to him. My frustration lingered into the evening hours, and the time came for Nic to go to bed.
After putting him down for bed, I was in my bedroom on the computer while Sydney was watchinig TV. Nic came downstairs and opened our door claiming he could not sleep. I was furious with him, and told him to get his little bottom back in the bed. I followed him upstairs and smacked him on the butt as we ascended. I told him to get back in bed without hesitation, and didnt even ask him why he couldn't sleep.
I went back downstairs, and not two minutes later he was up again. Back up the stairs we went. this time I did make the effort to ask why he couldn't sleep....and he said it was due to the lack of light. Mind you he has a night light, but for some reason this would not suffice for him. I closed the door and turned on the hall light, and went back down.
I came up to check on him a few minutes later, and there he was with the door open sitting up in his bed. I nearly came to the point of boiling with him, but stopped and asked what was wrong and why the light in the hallway wasnt enough for him.
His response was a bit shocking, but even more shocking was the genuine horror on his face when he told me:
"I can't stop thinking about dead things dad (begins to cry), and I dont know WHY!"
My fury was gone in an instant and knew that no reasoning or logic would remove his fear. I removed my shoes, got in the bed with him, and held him for a while telling him that everything would be alright, that dad would not let anything happen to him. I laid there with him as he struggled to sleep. Lost in my own thoughts, and he in his, we drifted to sleep together.
God help me to remember the lesson of this day, that a dad must know that discipline may be needed throughout the day, but love and compassion are the ingredients of dreams.
After putting him down for bed, I was in my bedroom on the computer while Sydney was watchinig TV. Nic came downstairs and opened our door claiming he could not sleep. I was furious with him, and told him to get his little bottom back in the bed. I followed him upstairs and smacked him on the butt as we ascended. I told him to get back in bed without hesitation, and didnt even ask him why he couldn't sleep.
I went back downstairs, and not two minutes later he was up again. Back up the stairs we went. this time I did make the effort to ask why he couldn't sleep....and he said it was due to the lack of light. Mind you he has a night light, but for some reason this would not suffice for him. I closed the door and turned on the hall light, and went back down.
I came up to check on him a few minutes later, and there he was with the door open sitting up in his bed. I nearly came to the point of boiling with him, but stopped and asked what was wrong and why the light in the hallway wasnt enough for him.
His response was a bit shocking, but even more shocking was the genuine horror on his face when he told me:
"I can't stop thinking about dead things dad (begins to cry), and I dont know WHY!"
My fury was gone in an instant and knew that no reasoning or logic would remove his fear. I removed my shoes, got in the bed with him, and held him for a while telling him that everything would be alright, that dad would not let anything happen to him. I laid there with him as he struggled to sleep. Lost in my own thoughts, and he in his, we drifted to sleep together.
God help me to remember the lesson of this day, that a dad must know that discipline may be needed throughout the day, but love and compassion are the ingredients of dreams.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Initial Post
Hello to all (although there are none),
This will be a place for me to write my thoughts on all issues, a place for my poetry to be reviewed, and a place for me to write about my wonderful family. I am sarcastic yet deep, loving yet fierce, an entire mixture of contradictions but easily understood.
I hope you enjoy what I have to write here, whether its liked or disliked, I hope you are entertained.
Ka is a wheel, and the wheel continues to turn.
Jasper
This will be a place for me to write my thoughts on all issues, a place for my poetry to be reviewed, and a place for me to write about my wonderful family. I am sarcastic yet deep, loving yet fierce, an entire mixture of contradictions but easily understood.
I hope you enjoy what I have to write here, whether its liked or disliked, I hope you are entertained.
Ka is a wheel, and the wheel continues to turn.
Jasper
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